So this will serve as my second letter to/for
people on dating sites... well kind of. This is about dating single parents,
inspired by the fact that a decent majority of people on dating sites happen to
be single parents. Now me not being a parent of any sort myself, and yet
having been raised by a single parent, I feel as though I can provide a
different perspective on this topic.
I grew up in a single parent household in the
time before internet dating was even a thing. Before the internet was even a
big thing. But my mom still did date, now not initially that I can remember,
but she did date. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with single parents
dating, the pursuit of romantic love and companionship is not limited to
childless people. If you've got a babysitter (assuming that they are young
enough to need one) and some free time then you deserve to go out and have a
little fun, everybody needs a little me time now and then.
So I am on a couple of dating sites, which I
possibly have mentioned before, and thus I have come across the fact that they
appear to be primarily populated by single parents. And therefore I find myself
facing a decision where I could potentially limit myself or not be a dirt bag
and be open to dating a single mom. That being said, I know for a fact that
personally I am not finding myself ready to be a parent quite yet. But I still
have no issues with dating a single mom, and at this point you might be asking
how that might work exactly. Though I do have a couple rules in association to
this point.
1) I don't want to intentionally meet your
children.
- I
know this would mean that you will be constrained greatly by time. Because
they come first. Absolutely.
- This
does not mean that I never want to meet them, it is just not yet.
Reasoning: People tend to form connections with other people
both kids and adults. If it doesn't end up working out, I wouldn't want your
kid to have to deal with a broken connection that they cannot fully comprehend.
They already have to deal with that considering that their parents are no
longer together.
Exemptions:
- Unintentional
or accidental meetings, because of course things happen.
- We
have something real; no real isn't the right word. Something serious,
something noticeably not short term. I can't put a timeline on this, but,
I mean I'm thinking a minimum of 6 months, maybe even a year.
2) I don't want to replace your child's father.
- Depending
on the circumstances surrounding your separation having both parents
involved is beneficial or so I hear.
- This
does not mean I think you should get back together with your ex just to
raise your kid(s). But you really shouldn't be dating to try and find a
potential replacement or substitute parent.
Reasoning: As mentioned before both parents deserve to be
involved depending on certain circumstances of course. Those circumstances
being; them being around, wanting to be involved, and not being abusive. Also
if the child does not respect the person that you're trying to introduce into
their lives, they won't end up respecting them as any form of parental unit,
which might seem normal if they were say a teenager, but not so much if they're
younger than that.
Exemptions:
- Adoption
when/if the child is okay with it.
- The
child is a young infant, before concrete memories form. Or if you are
involved pre-birth and the other parent does not want to be involved in
any capacity. (May be going contrary to the above mentioned 1).)
3) (Not so much a rule as a guideline) At a young age we are
taught to share our toys, but that's not always the easiest thing to do, and
sometimes it is. But the problem is that people aren't toys, well not so much a
problem but a truth, and therefore they are much harder to share. This rings
especially true if you haven't had to share them before. (As I am writing this
I realise that this is not only about children having to share a parent for the
first time but could very well be about the adults). It is especially hard for
a child to have to share a parent for the first time though. This is because
before this it was only you and them. And the thing about kids is that they are
a lot smarter than adults give them credit for. If their comfort is threatened
they will do whatever they can to return it to what they view as normal. Change
is difficult, especially at a young age. They can become bratty, jealous,
uncooperative, and do whatever they can to sabotage the situation. The
situation can worsen if both parents are single parents, because then the child
will not only feel threatened by the other adult but there will also be another
child to compete for attention, which is exactly what it will seem and
look like.
Now onto story time. I am going to give actual
examples of my mom's ex-boyfriends as I remember them. All I ask is don't
judge her based on the people she's dated. I will not be using their
real names for obvious reasons.
First. I'm gonna tell you about Ichi. From the
best of my memory Ichi didn't last overly long, and I was introduced to him
probably far too early. I thought he was cool, he played guitar at church and
was always willing to help me out, he seemed nice. But I was introduced to him
too early, also was quite young at the time, so I can remember him in a good
light. When I was older, significantly, I asked her what happened, and it turns
out he was controlling, he wanted her to stay cloistered, and he tried to keep her
isolated from the people around her. So needless to say, he was a douche canoe
and I am glad he's not in her life anymore.
Second, I guess I have to talk about Ni. He was
in our life the longest. I want to say it was about three and a half years we
ended up living with him, I think, it was a significant amount of time anyway.
He tried to be a replacement for an absentee parent. By the time he had entered
my life I felt no need for a "father" my mom did a great job by
herself. I should also mention at the beginning, pre-move in I was only a
child, old enough to know I didn't need a "father" but young enough
that I did get bratty and uncooperative, because he already had three kids at
the time. It didn't really help that at the announcement of the impending
move-in it was combined with my mom announcing that she was pregnant. But my
brother did come out of their relationship, so that is a plus, but inversely he
was verbally abusive, detrimental to my self-esteem at a pivotal time in my
developmental life. Not to mention that if there was someone who could be
considered a professional victim, it would be him. And very happily he is
mostly no longer in our lives,
Third, would be San. San started a trend of my
mom dating good guys. He was nice, had a good job, non-abusive, and an
appropriate sense of humour. Needless to say, he was a good choice, the problem
was that he had an only child around my brother's age, and since my brother was
used to sharing my mom with me, and he did and still does have a relationship
with his father, so it's not as though San was trying to fill that "void'
in either of our lives. But that didn't change it, his daughter's unwillingness
to share him, it having been a long distance relationship, and he wanting to
spend more time with his daughter resulted in the crumbling of their
relationship.
So, that's a thing I decided to share. But I
hope that this doesn't dissuade anyone from pursuing a relationship with a
single parent or single parents from dating. I feel like I should also mention
that though I only shared stories of my mom's failed relationships, she is
currently in a rather successful one and has been for several years. He is a
wonderful man, so don't give up on looking for that someone special.
Post Script: Sorry if this post turned out to be
a bit of a downer. Was it a downer? I don't know. It had a bright ending so I
think it was good, but I also wrote it but you know. This post was certainly
longer than I had expected it to be. Also Ichi, Ni, and San are the Japanese
words for one, two, and three. There is no significance in my choosing of their
names.
