I know this might seem like I am making excuses...

But there is once again no proper post this week. There has been a death in the family.

In Memoriam.

Now I don’t claim to be the right person to write this, because I didn’t know the man, and I never even met him. I only know him through some of his work. (If that could be considered knowing.) I am of course talking about the late Robin Williams. This is written in his memory; it is a thank you letter of sorts.

I’d like to preface his by saying that of the many things I am, one of them is an escape artist. Meaning that when I find myself in a bind or a tough situation in general I tend to escape if that means cutting ties, submerging myself into work, or ignoring the world by diving into the many worlds of books, movies or video games; even your own imagination can be an escape. I’ve been escaping reality for as long as I can remember. This is because growing up wasn’t always the easiest thing for me and escaping was.

Most of the Robin Williams movies that I’ve watched for the first time were in a period before Netflix, Facebook, or even Myspace, in the 90’s and early 2000’s. This was the time period of my life where I found myself in elementary school, most of which I found myself getting bullied at school and part of it I found myself getting verbally abused at home. So I would escape because that’s what came naturally to me. At that time my preferred modes of escape were TV/movies and my own imagination, and besides Star Wars my most commonly watched movies were comedies because who doesn’t link to laugh when they’re having a bad day. So I would watch Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Hook… his kid-centric movies. Then as I got older I’d watch Jack, Jumanji, Bicentennial Man. And though my taste in movies matured I still went on to enjoy his style. And I’d laugh and be happy during the time his movies provided; they allowed a brief escape from my reality.

But I didn’t stop watching his movies once my reality changed, it only meant that I didn’t have to rely or use them to make me laugh. I could watch them for the purpose of enjoyment, because I wanted to, I could even watch Robin Williams’ movies for nostalgic reasons.

I wish I could have met you and told you this in person, and sadly now I cannot. But Thank you Robin Williams, for all that you’ve done for me and everyone else that you’ve touched.

O, captain my captain. You Will be missed.

No post script here, not this time.

Why I don’t say “Goodbye”

Now the title gives away what I will be talking about today, but I should probably clarify a little. I won’t just leave without saying something… most of the time; I won’t just leave the conversation without some sense of ending. I will use other “parting remarks”, “exit greetings” or whatever else you want to call conversation enders like bye, later, see you, next time, or anything like it just not “Goodbye” itself, that I just absolutely abhor using. But I will use it, when I think it’s appropriate, “Goodbye” is not one of those few words that rarely ever pass my lips.

Now my reluctance to say “goodbye” has nothing to do with its’ origin being “God be with you” and my religious beliefs though someone else probably could and possibly has made that argument. But for the past long while “Good-bye” has just has this air of both formality and finality to it. Now in saying that, Farewell has also has the same feeling except in different degrees. Let me try to explain this a little better. With an example, it might be easier, this might not be a pleasant example but here it goes. So farewells, they are what you say at a funeral. They are the last Good-bye. Now Good-byes are what you would say in the hospital, because with Good-bye there is always the possibility of coming back from that. “Good-bye” is not necessarily forever, but it could be. From my experience, saying something has ended does not necessarily mean that it has, the saying that “it’s not over until it’s over” is so very true, but also not always. And I don’t think there is a single word that can really ever end something, but as words are what we use, the proper use of them is something that I highly seek.

With English being such a wide and varied language it is certainly possible for words to have more specific meanings than they currently have.

Post Script: Getting back on a regular posting schedule has become more difficult than I thought. Also this isn’t definitive; I still use “Goodbye” when it’s not forever, or formal. Sometimes it just feels right.

The Soldier & The Flower Girl.

(Verse 1)  So I met you right after I caused an explosion.

           With that cat and the flowers you were unloading.

           In this city, under the company's reign and the earth's erosion.

           You asked what happened, tried selling flowers almost goading.

(Spoken) Little did I know you were part of the big picture.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Verse 2) Second meeting, I fell through the roof of the church.

          You helped me out, though I landed on your flowers.

          These guys came in. Deal: Bodyguard for a date. Here we go; lurch.

          We had to fight but you helped out, with your healing powers.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Bridge) So there we were, us and some others,

         Travelling around, even stopping at your adoptive mothers',

         We came across this city with its lights so bright,

         You paid your debt, and we had our date night,

         It wasn't our first; I remember the one at the park,

        After that you got captured, rescued you, then I felt the spark.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Verse 3) We found the truth; your real mother was an Ancient. The Last.

          That jewel she gave you was more. To save the world, it was HOLY.

          To continue our quest, we went to the Ancient City. And you went to cast.

          I found you there, in prayer. It happened so fast, but I see it slowly.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Spoken) I couldn't even stop it, but there I was.

          I let you die.

Post Script: Sorry this is a couple days late, was feeling a little under the weather.

Loss...

I have a hard time crying in front of people, and this is for purely a vain reason. Crying is not a nice thing to do or to look at. But today, I did, I couldn't help myself. I lost someone very close to me today. Now it's not that I didn't see this coming, he was 16 years old and for a male house cat that is definitely not young. Also over the past year he slowed down, and his ability to climb stairs and onto the couch diminished greatly, he lost the ability to contract some of his claws, and near the end of May, he had a major seizure and since then I noticed yesterday that he had lost weight and wasn't cleaning himself as thoroughly as he used to. Also I knew this was coming when my mom told me that she had made the appointment to have him released from his pain and that was today. So this afternoon me and my mom put him in his cat carrier and took him to the vet, and before I even got out of the car, my mom handed me a napkin because I had already started crying. And even though with knowing that this was going to happen and time to prepare for this I still felt the entirety of this. The pain of loss is not something that you can appropriately suppress.

So my cat, he was more than just a pet, he was a member of our family. Here’s a little perspective. I have a brother and he is 15 so we've had Spunky (the cat) for a little longer than he has been out of the womb. He's been with us through every family move from city to city we've done and he's lived everywhere that I've lived. Not to mention that he was my first pet.

He did live a long and full life; he lived in four different towns and even more different houses. He fought a wild raccoon and won, he brought a multitude of birds, snakes, and mice to our door step as thank you gifts. He had a great hunters' spirit when he needed it but he also was always there to snuggle up and meet anyone who came through the door. He never brought home fleas, and would always try and clean out my beard whenever I've had one. He was the kitty that did it.

There's no doubt in my mind that he will be missed and that I will remember him always.

Post Script:

This is the best tribute I could bring myself to make. It is just really hard.