Love, Lust, and Infatuation: and being able to identify them in yourself.

Preface: As you might be able to tell, there are certain things that I choose to write about more than others. And despite the lack of it in my life, romantic love is one of those things I quite enjoy thinking and writing about.

With it being so close to Valentine’s Day I thought this would be an excellent time for this post. Because, really if not now than when really? Well really whenever because Valentine’s Day is a crap day to celebrate, to quote John Green “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’redoing it wrong.”

So let’s get on to it already.

As usual when I compare things let us start with definitions both current and past. Love as I have discussed before, is not the easiest thing to pinned down but, for this purpose let’s focus on romantic love. And the top dictionary entry for love is “an intense feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking.” And originally it was derived from words meaning “desires”, or “it is pleasing”. But as we know Romantic Love is not a simple thing. These definitions leave a lot to be desired, they don’t explain how Romantic Love is not easy, and how “falling in love” is a myth because you don’t fall in love. Falling is easy, but love is not. Or how Romantic Love is a two way street, and that it takes two people for love, two people who are working equally for love to be. I should be clear about what I’m saying when I say work, I don’t mean some dead end minimum wage job that you hate, I mean it should feel like your dream job: fun, love doing it, not always easy but you learn from it, and it is something that you’re passionate about. If you feel all of the above about your relationship, it’s love plain and simple. And I will finish this with a quote "It’scomplicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’stoo simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, youdon’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe in What If.

Now on to Lust, and unlike love, lust is easy and simple. Lust is a base animal instinct. The definitions; currently lust is a strong sexual desire, whereas originally lust was desire, appetite, pleasure; sensuous appetite. (But do I really have to deeply explain lust? It’s not a hard concept to grasp. Tee Hee… hard. I know, I’m so mature). Pure and simple lust is solely sexual attraction. It is exclusively a physical feeling, and often a temporary one that can just as easily pass from one person you see on to the next. It can be a very fleeting feeling, and the smallest of things can make it disappear completely or even enflame it and make it burn even brighter. I am not trying to say that lust is a bad thing, but I mean lust by itself can be very much an empty thing, but also can be a very addicting thing. Lust combined with infatuation can be very potentially useful in leading to love. Lust as said in less simple terms is the wanting or desire to have sex with a specific person. Now I can’t say that list is absolutely necessary for good relationships, because of course then I would alienate any asexuals, that’s something I would not want to do. But lust is a human thing and what we choose to do with it tell us a lot about ourselves.

Okay, infatuation now. This is the fun one, well kind of, I like it. So the dictionary says infatuation is to be affected by an intense fondness or admiration, but originally it was closer related to a variation of foolishness, to be more precise inspire in someone a foolish romantic passion. Now I know what you might be thinking, that this dictionary definition sounds incredibly close to that one I attributed to love. But that’s wrong, because of course infatuation isn’t love, it is very much from love. Well, very is a bit of a stretch, but back on topic. Another way to put it that is easier to understand or convey, an infatuation is a crush. Simple enough concept to grasp, and unlike love, a crush is something what you can fall into. They are easy, sometimes uncontrollable, and can happen in a split second (not necessarily a literal split second). Now I know what you’re thinking, but aren’t you supposed to crush on the one you love, and you’re absolutely right. But the thing about crushes is that they can very much be one sided, you can have a crush on someone and them not return those feelings. There’s also the unknowingness of a crush because of course logic dictates that if you have a crush on someone and they also have one on you as well you both know about set crushes that something will happen between you two (in a perfect world that is). But then you also have to take into account that you can a) have multiple crushes at a time, and b) the crush lives on an intensity spectrum and if you imagine the spectrum as a wave the crush surfs it quite regularly. Now, ideally you’d want to match your crush’s’ position on the spectrum, and along with your partner grow its intensity to the point where it becomes love. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out and heartbreak occurs. Yes, heartbreak isn’t exclusively related to love, it very much can happen with infatuation but with smaller impact, you know, less lives ruined and blood shed spanning years andcontinents.

There it is, Love, Lust, and Infatuation. Because if we didn’t have important words for things where would we be.  It also certainly helps knowing when the right opportunity to use these words is, and this is of course because the words we choose to use say a lot about who we are. Now normally I wouldn’t choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day because it is a pointless tradition, but it does make people happy, and I’m not one to squash other people’s happiness. But as I quoted in the beginning, “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’re doing it wrong.”

Post Script: You see that, two weeks in a row, now isn’t that just something. If I can just have the time to finish the rest of the half-finished ones I’ve started because I don’t really want to post just fluff.

Terms of Endearment are Stupid

Now coming from me where I've written several posts on the nicknames I've given to friends, terms of endearment might seem like something that I’d be all for but I’m not, the opposite actually. I mean what can be said about terms of endearment? They’re not cute or cunning; they’re annoying and stupid, ridiculous and unoriginal. Over the years they've changed and evolved, but one thing they've kept is that they’re supposed to be used in a loving way…

But that all changed when the Fire Nation attacked, except not really, though it has been changing progressively. Because now you can hear in commonplace “bitch” or just “woman” being used, and not with a negative tone. They are now used in the same manner that sweetie or dear were once used. When did this change? When did calling someone a “bitch” become something good? But the change of usage was not reclamation or a re-purposing of those words, because had that been the case it would have been an absolute one. Whereas “bitch“is still an angry word as well as an insulting one word as well. This change had to have come from somewhere, and my theory is that this change is rooted in mainstream rap and hip-hop music. To quote Bo Burnham “I feel like hip hop used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know, and now it’s become at least in  the mainstream  a symbol of misogyny” and this just proves I am not the only one who thinks this way. But even if this started in hip hop now the lyrics in other musical genres have taken to being corrupted with misogynistic slurs. This has only lead to the further support of negative language in commonplace society.

Now you might be thinking that having just that reason as to why I believe terms of endearment are stupid, and guess what, that’s not the only reason.

But just think about those “cutesy” pet names, you've got baby, babe, honey, muffin, dear, Snookums, etc. So you know, comparisons to infants, or foods, actually dear isn't that bad, I think it’s the only acceptable one. But even then it is still non-personal, quite generic, and it makes me think I should swerve out of the way (dear and deer, get it). Then there is Snookums or similar pet names, they always remind me of those names that Aunt Petunia call Dudley, and I mean who wants to be Dudley anyway? And comparing your romantic partner (RP) to an infant is wrong, and it’s not just the pedophilic undertones. Also it gives a sense of helplessness or weakness in your RP. And you are supposed to strengthen them not bring them down. The food comparison is less harsh though you could attribute calling your RP food names a desire to either consume all that you can from them. Or they could also get from it that you feel like you need you RP to survive and neediness is never a good thing to project in a relationship. So those “cutesy” pet names, if you didn’t realize it by now are demeaning, and are not particularly healthy for relationships or even potential ones.

Post Script: Though I said dear was acceptable, being greeted with “Hello Sweetie” also is acceptable but only if they know they are quoting Doctor Who. Also as you can probably tell I am really bad at posting things, this was supposed to be for around Valentines Day.

Nostalgically Romantic

So I thought of this concept earlier last week when something happened. I saw someone on last Wednesday that I haven't see in many years, and she got me thinking. Of course it was a woman who got me thinking, but this one is a little special, and not because anything special happened between us, but because she was my first... non-celebrity crush.

Now I could go on about her, and I will a little because it will help me make my future point. She was one of the popular girls, I was the bullied kid, but she was really nice to me. I thought she was cute, and still is. Her and her family just like mine weren't the richest or most privileged, she was also for a while there the girl next door well across the street, well it wasn't really a street she lived across from me in this low income housing complex. (Yes, I do know how cliché I that was; I don't apologize for being young).

Okay, back to my original concept of being nostalgically romantic, or nostalgically attracted to someone. But actually it is quite simple. Nostalgia: pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again. And so seeing someone you were once romantically interested after a period of time, it will occasionally stir something inside you that can make you think once again that you should possibly date them. I mean this is the same concept behind people getting back with their previously dumped romantic partners, or at least one of the things behind it. I mean getting back together with a previously dumped romantic partner usually doesn't end well unless there has been a complete shift in one or both of the people involved. You did break up for a reason so unless that reason changed DON'T, especially if that reason was cheating. But if these feelings are not acted upon or assumed unrequited, then as long as the two people are single I don't see why it isn't possible for them to act on say a high school crush, years after high school has ended (or in my case an elementary/primary school crush many years after elementary school has ended). I mean you also have to consider that if you are not currently in a romantic partnership, haven't had a potential romantic partnership in a while, or even are unhappy in your current romantic partnership, what you're feeling isn't actually real and what you're just feeling what you once had because you miss it. I'm not sure if I've said this here before but being in a romantic partnership for the sake of being in a romantic partnership is not a good idea, there should always be an end game in sight. Unless of course it is just a physical thing then it is not a romantic partnership, it is a physical relationship. 

It is possible that this is in some way related to "The one that got away," though I've always seen that as being someone you've previously been involved with in some way and it was the opposing partner had ended it where you didn't want it to end. And I know I am repeating myself, but unless there has been some sort of change in either yourself or you previously dumped romantic partner, don't just DON'T get back together with them. Also there are the people who think "The one that got away" is that one person you wanted to but didn't "score" with, which is ridiculous. Like there's a list of people you "need" to sleep with to feel whole or something, it is okay to only have ever slept with one person, or no people, or one hundred people. 

Post Script: It's pretty bad, I haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. It's pretty bad, I really need to get myself a crush.

The Soldier & The Flower Girl.

(Verse 1)  So I met you right after I caused an explosion.

           With that cat and the flowers you were unloading.

           In this city, under the company's reign and the earth's erosion.

           You asked what happened, tried selling flowers almost goading.

(Spoken) Little did I know you were part of the big picture.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Verse 2) Second meeting, I fell through the roof of the church.

          You helped me out, though I landed on your flowers.

          These guys came in. Deal: Bodyguard for a date. Here we go; lurch.

          We had to fight but you helped out, with your healing powers.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Bridge) So there we were, us and some others,

         Travelling around, even stopping at your adoptive mothers',

         We came across this city with its lights so bright,

         You paid your debt, and we had our date night,

         It wasn't our first; I remember the one at the park,

        After that you got captured, rescued you, then I felt the spark.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Verse 3) We found the truth; your real mother was an Ancient. The Last.

          That jewel she gave you was more. To save the world, it was HOLY.

          To continue our quest, we went to the Ancient City. And you went to cast.

          I found you there, in prayer. It happened so fast, but I see it slowly.

(Chorus) Because I was a SOLDIER and you were a flower girl

         Our fates intertwined; goal to save the world in our minds.

         We were both unsure of how all this would unfurl.

         But now whenever it rains, to me it just reminds.

(Spoken) I couldn't even stop it, but there I was.

          I let you die.

Post Script: Sorry this is a couple days late, was feeling a little under the weather.

Five Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Three characters. (Blog Of Love.)

In the spring of my eighteenth year I had this fascination with trying to analyze and explain love. Though in all honesty it was more for the purpose of convincing myself that love is not all bad and is something that I want and deserve. Now the love I am talking about is people love, the love either between two people, or the love one person has for another not the kind of love someone has for say their favourite food. From there I catagorised love in three different ways: Social, Familial, and Romantic.

Social love is the kind of love you have in association to social relationships “friendships”. The love shared between close friends, the friends that you can tell anything to, rely and depend on, the friends that you are not afraid to be yourself around because that’s what they expect of you. Familiar love is that which pertains to family. It is almost semi-obligatory sort of love, because no matter how mad they make you, or even if you claim to hate them, you still even if it is only subconsciously you always love your family. Now I should clarify or add that this is within reason I am not saying that every family has love in it, also I should mention that family transcends blood because there’s more to being family than sharing blood. Finally, romantic love, now I don’t mean the overly media saturated physical “love”. This is one of the problems in today’s society, love is an overused word also often misused meant to either receive physical gain or as some sort of manipulation tool. The media also has transformed romantic love into something that is needed to be happy, where as you don’t, you can easily be happy without being in a romantic relationship. But romantic love is just more than the love of friends, more than the obligatory love of family, because romantic love is not obligatory or compulsory it is a very natural and involuntary action. To paraphrase John Green “falling in love is like falling asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

Now let’s talk about falling in romantic love, to be precise the physical effects and sometimes dependency in relation to falling in love. The results could end up being an addictive substance, not by any means comparable to caffeine, tobacco, controlled and illegal substances or alcohol (Yes, I do consider alcohol to be an addictive substance). Basically it is in the same category as any substance that has an effect on one’s neurochemistry. When it comes to falling in love it is the addiction to a combination of three specific chemicals that effect neurochemistry.

-Phenyl ethylamine: speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells.

-Dopamine: feel good chemical.

-Norepinephrine: stimulates adrenaline production, makes heart race faster.

This blend of these chemicals is what is known commonly as the “falling in love” stage of romantic relationships. The stimulation of that chemical combination can actually override the part of the brain that controls logical thinking. I have an issue with the addiction to this chemical concoction, and how this makes people almost dependent on being involved in romantic relationships to make themselves happy, and as a result when they aren’t in a romantic relationship they lose their sense of “self”, all they want is to be in a relationship and there can be no substitute for them having that feeling. These people hop easily from one relationship to another only ever getting through this first stage of a relationship. This helps promote the societal view that to be happy you need to be in a romantic relationship, which is completely false. The possible results of this are that they much like any other addict want more and then once it reaches the point in which the feelings change and the “high” wears off they believe that they have “fallen out of love” or they go the other way and they continue on with it, allowing the relationship to progress past the initial stage. But this could result in the relationship being either co-dependent or one member being heavily emotionally dependent on the other, whereas in a healthy relationship should be neither, but they should be independent partners.

Now, that could have seemed very negative and I have yet to discuss the power that love holds. If there is no power in love then it would not have anywhere near the same effect on us that it does. But perhaps the power love has is all due to us giving it that power. When you think about it, love can give you strength to do many things; inversely love can break a person beyond repair, and then turn around and fix it all. “Because when you love someone there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.” This quote from the TV show Kyle XY implies that there is some hidden power in love. This further explains how much power love holds, this shows that love has the power to make mountains crumble. Now, let us look at the saying “Time heals all wounds,” now in many ways this could very well be true but as I see it this does not apply to “firsts” (To be clear, firsts, first person you’re in love with, first person to break your heart, and first person you sleep with).  This is or course within reason but, you don’t generally forget your “firsts” because they are the ones who set down the initial framework for the future. Forgetting and/or getting over your “firsts” is one of the hardest things a person can go through in the scope of romantic relationships, and yet what is implied is that what it takes for this to happen is time. Now how I see it is not time that helps get you over your “firsts” but what really helps if finding that one person. But I want to be clear that finding that person should not be your driving force or ultimate priority. Because even though I said that finding that one person will help you finally get over your “firsts”, friends will help greatly and being with your friends a whole lot easier than finding a new person to be in a romantic relationship with.

The questions of love.

Is love for me? Can I even be in love? Or will I just hurt them as they try to love me? Is this what I want? Do I really want to open myself up for pain, depression, anger or sadness all in hopes that it turns out differently.

The decision to choose to love or allow yourself to be loved belongs to each person.

Post Script: Love is a natural force much like gravity, we as people cannot limit it. We should strive to let love flow, not try to control it, but adequately navigate it. As if we were a leaf in the wind getting.

Let Me Give You A Gift.

So it being around that time of year, I think we should talk about Christmas. I'd like to talk about gift giving to be specific. Now, I am of the mindset that gift giving for any occasion does not have to be expensive, but should also be meaningful as well possibly either useful or necessary for improving the quality of life. Now in saying all of this it actually isn't the quality of the gift but the quality of the heart in which it is given.

I am also of the belief that giving yourself a gift is normal, if I dare say necessary. Now I should explain the "necessity". Now I know that giving gift at Christmas is not necessary, required, or even always possible at Christmas, not to mention that giving yourself a gift is not considered normal. But if possible I think of gift giving as a sign of love or at least great care for someone. Because I feel like gift giving is a sacrifice, this is of course true of both well thought gift giving as well as gifting without thought: You are either sacrificing time or money. Now what I mean by "gifting without thought" is exactly what it seems, it is the kind of gift giving you'd do for like work gift exchanges or like your parents did when you would get invited to birthday parties in elementary/primary school. Thinking about it, it could also be attributed to the kind of gift giving you see around Valentine's Day. Now back on to the topic of self gifting. I see it as a symbol of self-love, but as well with the inclusion of delayed gratification that comes with gift giving, not to mention that who knows what you need or want more than yourself? I'm not trying to say that you can give yourself the best gift in the world, because some of the best gifts are not bought in stores, or are not anything that you can expect to be given. Also I find that this is a great opportunity for you to get yourself something that you really want. It could very well be the cheapest, yet most well thought out gift you give this coming holiday season.

So in conclusion I hope that you, if you can, give yourselves a gift to remind yourself that you care. I know that I will be.

Post Script: I find it quite frustrating that this past weekend my mom came to town and with me there she bought my main Christmas gift, I held it for around a minute before she took it from me. It's just arg.