Five by five.

It’s easy for me to share my opinions on a wide variety of topics including life, love, and body modification, but when it comes to talking about myself, my feelings and you know me in general I tend to struggle. And currently little by little I am trying to push myself, so I am going to try and write about myself, well, okay I am going to give you my annual list of things about myself. And since it is my 25^th here are 5 sets of five things about me.

1. I struggle with knowing when the right opportunity to act is.

2. I struggle with talking to new people. Especially girls.

3. I struggle with meeting people and large crowds.

4. I struggle with reading subtext and body language.

5. I struggle with me.

6. One of my strengths is making jokes even if I’m the only one who gets them.

7. One of my strengths is that I’m loyal and don’t like to let people go.

8. One of my strengths is that I am a good listener.

9. One of my strengths is that I am very good at keeping secrets.

10. One of my strengths is that I am a good photographer.

11. I habitually make references to things a lot of people around me don’t understand, but it doesn’t discourage me.

12. I habitually say exactly the wrong things and exactly the wrong times.

13. I habitually run away as a means of escaping.

14. I habitually spend my free time alone not doing what I mean to do.

15. I habitually jokingly tease people I like, less so if romantic interest is involved.

16. I am turned on by passion.

17. I am turned on by blue eyes.

18. I am turned on by nerdy obsessions, habits, and or hobbies.

19. I am turned on by Intelligence.

20. I am turned on by Independence.

21. I am turned off by smoking.

22. I am turned off by known ignorance.

23. I am turned off by closed mindedness.

24. I am turned off by doormats.

25. I am turned off by futility and monotony.

Post Script: I wrote this in one draft for once which is odd for anything I post; I was sitting in Starbucks being far too nervous to talk to the cute girl sitting beside me. Which could easily have had some impact on this post. Also I may end up posting a second thing later on.

I don't know about you But I'm feeling 24

So with a new tradition that I started last year when near to my birthday I gave 23 pieces of unsolicited advice. Except this year I can't give you 23 things, so I will share 24 things about me that you probably didn't know before. Or maybe you did in which case. Good for you. (and this is why I don't ad-lib blog posts.) Also I am sorry for my laziness, uninspiration, and general lack of postingness. (And there I go making up words.)

Before I get even more distracted here I go.

1. To keep my hands busy I make paper cranes out of post-it notes.
2. I've taught my tongue to tie cherry stems in knots, because I thought it might make me a better kisser.
3. And yet I've never been kissed.
4. I couldn't snap my fingers until after I graduated High School.
5. I got the scar on my left thumb from a broken glass bottle is what I tell people, what I don't tell them is that I got it because I used to dumpster dive for cans because I couldn't afford to get an allowance.
6. It wasn't until two weeks ago that I owned all 7 Harry Potter novels.
7. Spider-Man and the X-Men have always been my preferred superheroes because they were picked on just like I was.
8. When I was younger I wanted to be the green power ranger because we shared a used name.
9. My first name is Franklin, but i go by Tommy, a contraction of my middle name: Thomas.
10. I cry far more often than I admit.
11. I regret how judgmental I was in high school.
12. My first time drunk I declared that I was Batman my second time drunk I accused my cousin of being an X-Men mutant.
13. My first celebrity crushes were the Olsen twins, my first irl crush was also a pair of twins.
14. I am not worried about losing my mind, I've already accepted that it will happen.
15. I greatly desire to be a father, and no raise a child in a single parent home.
16. I also have name possibilities picked out.
17. I don't drink enough water, and i know this but don't do anything about it.
18. I like going to the movies alone just as much as with people.
19. I've got a "thing" for redheads and before that it was blondes, but realistically hair colour hasn't been all that big of a deal, or at least not as much as eye colour.
20. My attraction to Natalie Portman has a lot to do with her having been in Star Wars, even if it was the prequels.
21. I am convinced that when I see her I will just know. 
22. I don't read/watch the news because it makes me angry, and I feel like I should do something about it. But all I can think to do is deliver vigilante justice.
23. I had a dream last week about teaching the ethical culinary preparation and serving of human meat.
24. I'm worried I won't find someone because I am too worried she would end up getting hurt.

Post Script: I purposely posted this after my birthday, because I felt like after being 24 for a day could help me write this alas I was right-ish.

A late review

Ok it being later in the year than I had hoped and for that I feel as though I must apologize, but I will not apologize, this is because my absence is due to a desire to spend time with family because family is important. So, I am not sorry that this is late.

This is the blog that I intended for Pre New Years because this is my look back. Where I bring up amendments, additions and extra comments I have in association to the things I have written here over the 2012 year. Let’s dive right in.

So I started my 2012 blogging with talking about entering a photo into a contest followed the next day with how it did and me whining about it doing poorly. But that did not deter me, because they did an autumn showcase and I did enter again I still did not win, but this time I did not feel so bad about not winning. Here is the photo I entered. In my opinion a much better photo which I also framed and matted better than the first.

I also discussed starting the blog again, though I still don’t share it on Facebook, and I have stopped posting it to Twitter to prevent judgment from people I know IRL.

I then proceeded to talk about Twitter and communication. And this has not really changed a bit. I got blocked by a Twitter user that I followed because I was unable to properly convey my point in 140 characters, and me being, well, me. I proceeded to send several tweets consecutively in an attempt to get my point across. So I essentially spammed the Twitter user, got blocked and this was still even before I could entirely get my point across. I regret the spamming and getting blocked, but I don’t regret trying to stand up for something I believe in.

Then came two blogs which I have nothing to add to at this time.

Ahh, Boxes. Chronologically the first blog of 2012 I found myself proud of and what I actually referred back to in posts written after this one. Now looking back I can’t see if I mentioned this anywhere but I do believe that it is possible to both inside and outside of a box, not only that you can be in multiple boxes, or that you are in more than one box.

Looking back at the next post I made I realize that “Assumptions” and “Boxes” could have been merged into one post because they have some complementary ideas in them.

I then proceeded to talk about Christmas for five non-consecutive posts; I’ve got to say Christmas was great, and I’m not going to do any sort of haul post because I took a photo and put it on instagram http://instagram.com/p/T06a7PhQBe/

I also talked about using public restrooms which I still wholly stand behind.

I wrote a response to a YouTube video about me being scared about sharing the blog, I think that with the being a New Year I will start sharing this on Twitter again. Still a bit frightened about what some people on Facebook will think though.

For my birthday I shared 23 bits of unsolicited advice which I really enjoyed doing and next birthday I may very well share 24 bits.

Post Script: Double blog today. Also I need to get back into a blogging schedule. So sorry if this gets a little scattered.

Up From The Depths

So at this moment I am delaying the writing of two blogs very different from this one but similar to each other. But this has been on my mind a lot lately. I've written about this before on the previous version of this blog as well as on Tumblr. So here those are, followed by more.

"My past

I'm 18 years old, I'm shy, insecure, scared, and worried especially when it comes to relationships. I've been in one relationship, I swear what happend to her because of me has petrified me from being in a relationship. Because of me, and becasue she was going out with me she was raped, twice by the same guy. A little background info, Me=P.G. Her=Aldergrove(vancouver area). It was an online relationship. She knew this guy, she considered him to be a friend, and because she wouldn't go out with him, all because of me. Well we met in real life once, after that she dumped me, she couldn't handle the distance issue back then I couldn't understand it but now I do. At that moment in her life I was really the only good thing that was happening in her life... after the break up bad things happend, she ended up deep in drugs and alcohol which was unlike she was before. To try to stop herself from going to school the next year she got pregnant and had a miscariage. I just learned yesterday that she does not have to finish this semester in her last year of school. She is allowed to do so and still pass her grade 12 year because she is suffering from depression. Truthfully I blame myself, for all of this, I'm guilt-ridden for what has happend to her. I feel bad for it and always have.

I'm sorry Larissa, it's all my fault. What I've caused can never be undone, but I'm still sorry."

and

"I'm Scared  

and I don’t like talking about things that actually scare me but I feel like I need to get it out there. I am honestly scared to get into a relationship. This is not a “I’m not sure if I’m ready” fear or anything of the sort but this fear stems from my first romantic experience. I’m scared that if I get into a relationship my romantic partner will get hurt. Let me explain, years ago I found myself talking to a girl who lived a full day’s road trip away from me and I found myself interested in her as more than friends but not knowing how to proceed and not willing to go to my mom for advice I just let it be. But I had this friend a couple years older than I, and he was persistent about me finding a girlfriend and it was getting annoying about it so I asked my romantic interest if she’d pretend to be my girlfriend to get my friend off my back but it didn’t stay that way and we started a relationship. Early into our relationship something terrible happened be cause she chose me over a guy in her community and then once again a little later on. I blamed myself, I still blame myself a bit I wasn’t there to protect her, I couldn’t stop him and he did it because she was involved with me. I can’t be in a position where I can let anything like this happen again. This has also made me very paranoid about my female friends getting into confrontations with guys because I worry that something will happen to them and once again I won’t be there to protect them."

I bring this up not to elicit sympathy or comments saying that I shouldn't blame myself or that it's not my fault,  because I've already gotten that and it hasn't changed things. I am still scared, and I still feel guilty and i don't think that's going to change. I've started accepting this. I know what needs to happen for this to work. One of the hardest things a person can do is to forgive themselves, and that's what I need to do. But it s not easy.

Post Script: All this has just been weighing me down lately, and as I've done in the past, getting it out there is just something I felt like I had to do.

Let's talk about Twitter.

Despite this title I am not talking about twitter, well, not only twitter but communication in general, but mainly online communication.

Well actually I am talking about Twitter, but to a lesser extent YouTube comments and Tumblr replies. 

Nope. Thinking about it, like honestly putting thought into it. My issue is communicating with the opposite sex both on and offline(Mainly Online). I don't do it well or often,  and when I do i am over thinking, censoring, and often thinking more about what not to say rather than what to say. Now I know that this is probably common. My main issue is that I am not sure where the line is. You know that line, where on one side is creepy and the other side is everything else. This has resulted in me saying or typing things that do not properly convey my point with the after effect being misconceptions, misunderstandings and embarrassing moments.This is even more so on the internet with its less than admirable ability to convey tone. And because the line is never, and I mean NEVER the same. Not to mention what this has done to my non-existent love life. (But my love life has greater issues than this).  This point is even more exaggerated if I find the female in question attractive. I actually do find it a bit sad that I have problems talking to women, not surprising but sad. It makes sense though, no one has taught me, you don't learn it in school and with  this already in place figuring it out on my own is not easy. Now there is the option of you know asking the parents, which would not be pleasant. Imagine if you will me a 22 year old going to her mom telling her that he has issues talking to females. Not that I think she'd be overly surprised she once told me that she has never expected me to date much and that if I do it will be with the intentions of marriage one day. But anyways that conversation would end up being embarrassing, awkward and she'd probably pass me off to someone else or laugh at me or both. And if I went to my father the opening to the conversation would go like this "I know we have never actually spoken, or had a real conversation but I have a problem talking to women, I blame you, now you have to help me." So I am not breaking 22 years of silence just so I can get advice about girls from a guy who habitually just isn't there. 

Now I am feeling down because I am also thinking that girls probably don't want to talk to me due to me not being all that physically appealing or inviting. 

Post script: The paragraph breaks are me not editing myself in this post.

Post post script: This blog post was originally supposed to be me showing you Telegraph Cove through my eyes. Next Time.