Up From The Depths

So at this moment I am delaying the writing of two blogs very different from this one but similar to each other. But this has been on my mind a lot lately. I've written about this before on the previous version of this blog as well as on Tumblr. So here those are, followed by more.

"My past

I'm 18 years old, I'm shy, insecure, scared, and worried especially when it comes to relationships. I've been in one relationship, I swear what happend to her because of me has petrified me from being in a relationship. Because of me, and becasue she was going out with me she was raped, twice by the same guy. A little background info, Me=P.G. Her=Aldergrove(vancouver area). It was an online relationship. She knew this guy, she considered him to be a friend, and because she wouldn't go out with him, all because of me. Well we met in real life once, after that she dumped me, she couldn't handle the distance issue back then I couldn't understand it but now I do. At that moment in her life I was really the only good thing that was happening in her life... after the break up bad things happend, she ended up deep in drugs and alcohol which was unlike she was before. To try to stop herself from going to school the next year she got pregnant and had a miscariage. I just learned yesterday that she does not have to finish this semester in her last year of school. She is allowed to do so and still pass her grade 12 year because she is suffering from depression. Truthfully I blame myself, for all of this, I'm guilt-ridden for what has happend to her. I feel bad for it and always have.

I'm sorry Larissa, it's all my fault. What I've caused can never be undone, but I'm still sorry."

and

"I'm Scared  

and I don’t like talking about things that actually scare me but I feel like I need to get it out there. I am honestly scared to get into a relationship. This is not a “I’m not sure if I’m ready” fear or anything of the sort but this fear stems from my first romantic experience. I’m scared that if I get into a relationship my romantic partner will get hurt. Let me explain, years ago I found myself talking to a girl who lived a full day’s road trip away from me and I found myself interested in her as more than friends but not knowing how to proceed and not willing to go to my mom for advice I just let it be. But I had this friend a couple years older than I, and he was persistent about me finding a girlfriend and it was getting annoying about it so I asked my romantic interest if she’d pretend to be my girlfriend to get my friend off my back but it didn’t stay that way and we started a relationship. Early into our relationship something terrible happened be cause she chose me over a guy in her community and then once again a little later on. I blamed myself, I still blame myself a bit I wasn’t there to protect her, I couldn’t stop him and he did it because she was involved with me. I can’t be in a position where I can let anything like this happen again. This has also made me very paranoid about my female friends getting into confrontations with guys because I worry that something will happen to them and once again I won’t be there to protect them."

I bring this up not to elicit sympathy or comments saying that I shouldn't blame myself or that it's not my fault,  because I've already gotten that and it hasn't changed things. I am still scared, and I still feel guilty and i don't think that's going to change. I've started accepting this. I know what needs to happen for this to work. One of the hardest things a person can do is to forgive themselves, and that's what I need to do. But it s not easy.

Post Script: All this has just been weighing me down lately, and as I've done in the past, getting it out there is just something I felt like I had to do.

Let's talk about Twitter.

Despite this title I am not talking about twitter, well, not only twitter but communication in general, but mainly online communication.

Well actually I am talking about Twitter, but to a lesser extent YouTube comments and Tumblr replies. 

Nope. Thinking about it, like honestly putting thought into it. My issue is communicating with the opposite sex both on and offline(Mainly Online). I don't do it well or often,  and when I do i am over thinking, censoring, and often thinking more about what not to say rather than what to say. Now I know that this is probably common. My main issue is that I am not sure where the line is. You know that line, where on one side is creepy and the other side is everything else. This has resulted in me saying or typing things that do not properly convey my point with the after effect being misconceptions, misunderstandings and embarrassing moments.This is even more so on the internet with its less than admirable ability to convey tone. And because the line is never, and I mean NEVER the same. Not to mention what this has done to my non-existent love life. (But my love life has greater issues than this).  This point is even more exaggerated if I find the female in question attractive. I actually do find it a bit sad that I have problems talking to women, not surprising but sad. It makes sense though, no one has taught me, you don't learn it in school and with  this already in place figuring it out on my own is not easy. Now there is the option of you know asking the parents, which would not be pleasant. Imagine if you will me a 22 year old going to her mom telling her that he has issues talking to females. Not that I think she'd be overly surprised she once told me that she has never expected me to date much and that if I do it will be with the intentions of marriage one day. But anyways that conversation would end up being embarrassing, awkward and she'd probably pass me off to someone else or laugh at me or both. And if I went to my father the opening to the conversation would go like this "I know we have never actually spoken, or had a real conversation but I have a problem talking to women, I blame you, now you have to help me." So I am not breaking 22 years of silence just so I can get advice about girls from a guy who habitually just isn't there. 

Now I am feeling down because I am also thinking that girls probably don't want to talk to me due to me not being all that physically appealing or inviting. 

Post script: The paragraph breaks are me not editing myself in this post.

Post post script: This blog post was originally supposed to be me showing you Telegraph Cove through my eyes. Next Time.

Standing Still: A Response to Forward Motion.

So this is my post reception reaction. I didn't win anything, but it being my first show kind of makes sense. Also due to the fact that there were 40 photographs, 3 runner ups, and the regular first, second and third places so I did have more opportunities than I thought. My issue isn't that I lost but that certain people won with photos that were just not good. Now on top of that my photo had like the worst placement in the show it was on the very back wall on the very very bottom. To view it properly as in not at an extreme downward angle, you'd have to get on your hands and knees. And I am convinced this is because I am not a member. So yeah, this got me not feeling the best about my self.

Post script: I feel like whining.

Well hello again old friend.

So I have decided to start blogging again, and I mean like trying to make a full conscious effort to do this at least once a week. Because what I want to do is like focus my online identity. Now this means more than me blogging, what I will be doing is linking up various accounts and sharing more of my created content on various other sites. So I will be Sharing these blogs on Google+, Twitter, Tumblr, and if I get comfortable enough even Facebook. I will also be rewriting all my descriptions and making all my profile pictures the same so as to unite my accounts. As well I will be trying to get it schedule-ished so as to reach optimum readership, so not posting at after 11pm will be a thing.

Post Script: This was written right after my previous post, but I won't be double day posting. Plus if I have any other things to say about this I can add it in before posting.

Forward Motion

So in the town that I live in there are very few places that I have noticed for blossoming artists to display their works. But fortunately there is the Nanaimo Arts Council. Though what the Arts council does is not much in terms of nurturing young artists throughout the year they do have a couple showcases where local artists can submit their works to be displayed(at a price). Now I did this for their annual Summer Showcase, because I am proud of my photography and would really like to share is and possibly make money off of it. I didn’t mention that on top of the art work being showcased it is also judged with the possibility of cash prizes as well all submitted pieces must be for sale. And tomorrow night Thursday July 12, 7pm 2012, is the Awards reception for this. The winners will be announced there and I will probably be the most under dressed person there. No dress code was mentioned to me and the recent weather has been quite hot. As well I am by no means a small fellow, so showing up in formal wear would only make me sweat more. Therefore I shall be wearing what I refer to as Summer Formal Khaki shorts, a simple single colored t-shirt,   and a collared button down t-shirt unbuttoned over top and a pair of almost tumblr blue skate shoes that happen to be falling apart. 

Post script: This is the photo I entered.