Up From The Depths

So at this moment I am delaying the writing of two blogs very different from this one but similar to each other. But this has been on my mind a lot lately. I've written about this before on the previous version of this blog as well as on Tumblr. So here those are, followed by more.

"My past

I'm 18 years old, I'm shy, insecure, scared, and worried especially when it comes to relationships. I've been in one relationship, I swear what happend to her because of me has petrified me from being in a relationship. Because of me, and becasue she was going out with me she was raped, twice by the same guy. A little background info, Me=P.G. Her=Aldergrove(vancouver area). It was an online relationship. She knew this guy, she considered him to be a friend, and because she wouldn't go out with him, all because of me. Well we met in real life once, after that she dumped me, she couldn't handle the distance issue back then I couldn't understand it but now I do. At that moment in her life I was really the only good thing that was happening in her life... after the break up bad things happend, she ended up deep in drugs and alcohol which was unlike she was before. To try to stop herself from going to school the next year she got pregnant and had a miscariage. I just learned yesterday that she does not have to finish this semester in her last year of school. She is allowed to do so and still pass her grade 12 year because she is suffering from depression. Truthfully I blame myself, for all of this, I'm guilt-ridden for what has happend to her. I feel bad for it and always have.

I'm sorry Larissa, it's all my fault. What I've caused can never be undone, but I'm still sorry."

and

"I'm Scared  

and I don’t like talking about things that actually scare me but I feel like I need to get it out there. I am honestly scared to get into a relationship. This is not a “I’m not sure if I’m ready” fear or anything of the sort but this fear stems from my first romantic experience. I’m scared that if I get into a relationship my romantic partner will get hurt. Let me explain, years ago I found myself talking to a girl who lived a full day’s road trip away from me and I found myself interested in her as more than friends but not knowing how to proceed and not willing to go to my mom for advice I just let it be. But I had this friend a couple years older than I, and he was persistent about me finding a girlfriend and it was getting annoying about it so I asked my romantic interest if she’d pretend to be my girlfriend to get my friend off my back but it didn’t stay that way and we started a relationship. Early into our relationship something terrible happened be cause she chose me over a guy in her community and then once again a little later on. I blamed myself, I still blame myself a bit I wasn’t there to protect her, I couldn’t stop him and he did it because she was involved with me. I can’t be in a position where I can let anything like this happen again. This has also made me very paranoid about my female friends getting into confrontations with guys because I worry that something will happen to them and once again I won’t be there to protect them."

I bring this up not to elicit sympathy or comments saying that I shouldn't blame myself or that it's not my fault,  because I've already gotten that and it hasn't changed things. I am still scared, and I still feel guilty and i don't think that's going to change. I've started accepting this. I know what needs to happen for this to work. One of the hardest things a person can do is to forgive themselves, and that's what I need to do. But it s not easy.

Post Script: All this has just been weighing me down lately, and as I've done in the past, getting it out there is just something I felt like I had to do.