An open letter to people on dating sites.

So here I am at it again, writing about dating and I know I do this far too often, but this is different.

All dating sites are fundamentally flawed; well I can't say all exactly, but all the ones I've been on, which is a lot of them at least the free ones anyway. But I'm pretty sure the rest of them are just as flawed.

This isn't about the dating sites themselves but the people on them. Generally. This is for the people who just do the minimums on the dating sites. Those who only maybe upload a photo followed by the two words "ask me" or some variation of that. Do you know what you're doing by this? You are asking people to be vain, to judge you by your appearance. Essentially what you're doing is saying "if you think I'm hot hit me up." And as much as I do believe that yes dating sites are an exercise in vanity, there are those who use them with the true intent of finding someone special. I'm not saying that physical attraction is unimportant, but it is not the most important thing. What about similar common interests? What are you going to do if you have nothing in common? Okay, so think about this is: A profile with only visuals, and very little personal information, it sounds a bit more like they're looking for a hookup rather than dating. And there's nothing wrong with it if that is what you are looking for, but don't be ashamed about it. Don't hide behind a pretense of looking for "dating" or a "long term relationship" when what you're really looking for is a "casual encounter," "short term dating," or less subtly casual sex. Don't lie about it, it just irritates the rest of us that are actually looking for something real, or long term, something more than just physical.

But let's also talk about the photos that some people use on dating websites. And no, I'm not talking about the subject matter of the photos in general. I am of the belief that selfies are a wonderful thing, so yes; take pictures of yourself frequently and proudly. And of course use these selfies on dating websites. But take good photos, I'm talking adequate lighting, not overly grainy, and have your face in full view. Also a couple things that I have found to be a bit of an issue with dating site selfies, and these are actually to do with subject matter and thus are a bit more controversial. So here they are, ladies: I'm not saying all of you do this but certainly some do, and this photographic faux-pas is as I put it "more boob than face". Which is exactly as it sounds, more boobs than face, though yes boobs are nice and are certainly a way to attract a guy, but once again potentially for all the wrong reasons (if that's not what you're looking for). And guys I half assumed this was a high school habit and that I wouldn't actually have to mention it but keep your shirts on in pictures. Just because you can go shirtless in public or in photos online it doesn't mean that you have to. And for pictures that are not of yourself, though yes perfectly fine to be included on dating sites, if they are the only pictures though that can be a bit of an issue. As nice as it is to see your pets, vehicle, photography skills or any other possible thing, having a picture of yourself is kind of essential. Even if this photo is private and you only choose to share it after a bit of conversing, having a photo is essential.

So in conclusion put information into your profile, be honest and clear about your intentions, and include a decent photo. There are many other problems with dating sites that I did not bring up, but hopefully these will help ameliorate your experience on them. I mean this is of course in a perfect world, but we live in a flawed world and we are all flawed people. And with that I will bring back a quote which I used in a previous post. previous post. "It’s complicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’s too simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, you don’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe's in What If.


Post Script: I've been writing but not the things that I can post here. I've rewritten my dating profile twice. But I have been working on post-able items as well. Spring upon us, then summer and travel is something that I will do during this time. The thing about travel and vacationing though is that it allows for free time and free time means writing time, that or photography time.

Love, Lust, and Infatuation: and being able to identify them in yourself.

Preface: As you might be able to tell, there are certain things that I choose to write about more than others. And despite the lack of it in my life, romantic love is one of those things I quite enjoy thinking and writing about.

With it being so close to Valentine’s Day I thought this would be an excellent time for this post. Because, really if not now than when really? Well really whenever because Valentine’s Day is a crap day to celebrate, to quote John Green “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’redoing it wrong.”

So let’s get on to it already.

As usual when I compare things let us start with definitions both current and past. Love as I have discussed before, is not the easiest thing to pinned down but, for this purpose let’s focus on romantic love. And the top dictionary entry for love is “an intense feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking.” And originally it was derived from words meaning “desires”, or “it is pleasing”. But as we know Romantic Love is not a simple thing. These definitions leave a lot to be desired, they don’t explain how Romantic Love is not easy, and how “falling in love” is a myth because you don’t fall in love. Falling is easy, but love is not. Or how Romantic Love is a two way street, and that it takes two people for love, two people who are working equally for love to be. I should be clear about what I’m saying when I say work, I don’t mean some dead end minimum wage job that you hate, I mean it should feel like your dream job: fun, love doing it, not always easy but you learn from it, and it is something that you’re passionate about. If you feel all of the above about your relationship, it’s love plain and simple. And I will finish this with a quote "It’scomplicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’stoo simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, youdon’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe in What If.

Now on to Lust, and unlike love, lust is easy and simple. Lust is a base animal instinct. The definitions; currently lust is a strong sexual desire, whereas originally lust was desire, appetite, pleasure; sensuous appetite. (But do I really have to deeply explain lust? It’s not a hard concept to grasp. Tee Hee… hard. I know, I’m so mature). Pure and simple lust is solely sexual attraction. It is exclusively a physical feeling, and often a temporary one that can just as easily pass from one person you see on to the next. It can be a very fleeting feeling, and the smallest of things can make it disappear completely or even enflame it and make it burn even brighter. I am not trying to say that lust is a bad thing, but I mean lust by itself can be very much an empty thing, but also can be a very addicting thing. Lust combined with infatuation can be very potentially useful in leading to love. Lust as said in less simple terms is the wanting or desire to have sex with a specific person. Now I can’t say that list is absolutely necessary for good relationships, because of course then I would alienate any asexuals, that’s something I would not want to do. But lust is a human thing and what we choose to do with it tell us a lot about ourselves.

Okay, infatuation now. This is the fun one, well kind of, I like it. So the dictionary says infatuation is to be affected by an intense fondness or admiration, but originally it was closer related to a variation of foolishness, to be more precise inspire in someone a foolish romantic passion. Now I know what you might be thinking, that this dictionary definition sounds incredibly close to that one I attributed to love. But that’s wrong, because of course infatuation isn’t love, it is very much from love. Well, very is a bit of a stretch, but back on topic. Another way to put it that is easier to understand or convey, an infatuation is a crush. Simple enough concept to grasp, and unlike love, a crush is something what you can fall into. They are easy, sometimes uncontrollable, and can happen in a split second (not necessarily a literal split second). Now I know what you’re thinking, but aren’t you supposed to crush on the one you love, and you’re absolutely right. But the thing about crushes is that they can very much be one sided, you can have a crush on someone and them not return those feelings. There’s also the unknowingness of a crush because of course logic dictates that if you have a crush on someone and they also have one on you as well you both know about set crushes that something will happen between you two (in a perfect world that is). But then you also have to take into account that you can a) have multiple crushes at a time, and b) the crush lives on an intensity spectrum and if you imagine the spectrum as a wave the crush surfs it quite regularly. Now, ideally you’d want to match your crush’s’ position on the spectrum, and along with your partner grow its intensity to the point where it becomes love. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out and heartbreak occurs. Yes, heartbreak isn’t exclusively related to love, it very much can happen with infatuation but with smaller impact, you know, less lives ruined and blood shed spanning years andcontinents.

There it is, Love, Lust, and Infatuation. Because if we didn’t have important words for things where would we be.  It also certainly helps knowing when the right opportunity to use these words is, and this is of course because the words we choose to use say a lot about who we are. Now normally I wouldn’t choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day because it is a pointless tradition, but it does make people happy, and I’m not one to squash other people’s happiness. But as I quoted in the beginning, “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’re doing it wrong.”

Post Script: You see that, two weeks in a row, now isn’t that just something. If I can just have the time to finish the rest of the half-finished ones I’ve started because I don’t really want to post just fluff.