Love, Lust, and Infatuation: and being able to identify them in yourself.

Preface: As you might be able to tell, there are certain things that I choose to write about more than others. And despite the lack of it in my life, romantic love is one of those things I quite enjoy thinking and writing about.

With it being so close to Valentine’s Day I thought this would be an excellent time for this post. Because, really if not now than when really? Well really whenever because Valentine’s Day is a crap day to celebrate, to quote John Green “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’redoing it wrong.”

So let’s get on to it already.

As usual when I compare things let us start with definitions both current and past. Love as I have discussed before, is not the easiest thing to pinned down but, for this purpose let’s focus on romantic love. And the top dictionary entry for love is “an intense feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking.” And originally it was derived from words meaning “desires”, or “it is pleasing”. But as we know Romantic Love is not a simple thing. These definitions leave a lot to be desired, they don’t explain how Romantic Love is not easy, and how “falling in love” is a myth because you don’t fall in love. Falling is easy, but love is not. Or how Romantic Love is a two way street, and that it takes two people for love, two people who are working equally for love to be. I should be clear about what I’m saying when I say work, I don’t mean some dead end minimum wage job that you hate, I mean it should feel like your dream job: fun, love doing it, not always easy but you learn from it, and it is something that you’re passionate about. If you feel all of the above about your relationship, it’s love plain and simple. And I will finish this with a quote "It’scomplicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’stoo simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, youdon’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe in What If.

Now on to Lust, and unlike love, lust is easy and simple. Lust is a base animal instinct. The definitions; currently lust is a strong sexual desire, whereas originally lust was desire, appetite, pleasure; sensuous appetite. (But do I really have to deeply explain lust? It’s not a hard concept to grasp. Tee Hee… hard. I know, I’m so mature). Pure and simple lust is solely sexual attraction. It is exclusively a physical feeling, and often a temporary one that can just as easily pass from one person you see on to the next. It can be a very fleeting feeling, and the smallest of things can make it disappear completely or even enflame it and make it burn even brighter. I am not trying to say that lust is a bad thing, but I mean lust by itself can be very much an empty thing, but also can be a very addicting thing. Lust combined with infatuation can be very potentially useful in leading to love. Lust as said in less simple terms is the wanting or desire to have sex with a specific person. Now I can’t say that list is absolutely necessary for good relationships, because of course then I would alienate any asexuals, that’s something I would not want to do. But lust is a human thing and what we choose to do with it tell us a lot about ourselves.

Okay, infatuation now. This is the fun one, well kind of, I like it. So the dictionary says infatuation is to be affected by an intense fondness or admiration, but originally it was closer related to a variation of foolishness, to be more precise inspire in someone a foolish romantic passion. Now I know what you might be thinking, that this dictionary definition sounds incredibly close to that one I attributed to love. But that’s wrong, because of course infatuation isn’t love, it is very much from love. Well, very is a bit of a stretch, but back on topic. Another way to put it that is easier to understand or convey, an infatuation is a crush. Simple enough concept to grasp, and unlike love, a crush is something what you can fall into. They are easy, sometimes uncontrollable, and can happen in a split second (not necessarily a literal split second). Now I know what you’re thinking, but aren’t you supposed to crush on the one you love, and you’re absolutely right. But the thing about crushes is that they can very much be one sided, you can have a crush on someone and them not return those feelings. There’s also the unknowingness of a crush because of course logic dictates that if you have a crush on someone and they also have one on you as well you both know about set crushes that something will happen between you two (in a perfect world that is). But then you also have to take into account that you can a) have multiple crushes at a time, and b) the crush lives on an intensity spectrum and if you imagine the spectrum as a wave the crush surfs it quite regularly. Now, ideally you’d want to match your crush’s’ position on the spectrum, and along with your partner grow its intensity to the point where it becomes love. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out and heartbreak occurs. Yes, heartbreak isn’t exclusively related to love, it very much can happen with infatuation but with smaller impact, you know, less lives ruined and blood shed spanning years andcontinents.

There it is, Love, Lust, and Infatuation. Because if we didn’t have important words for things where would we be.  It also certainly helps knowing when the right opportunity to use these words is, and this is of course because the words we choose to use say a lot about who we are. Now normally I wouldn’t choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day because it is a pointless tradition, but it does make people happy, and I’m not one to squash other people’s happiness. But as I quoted in the beginning, “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’re doing it wrong.”

Post Script: You see that, two weeks in a row, now isn’t that just something. If I can just have the time to finish the rest of the half-finished ones I’ve started because I don’t really want to post just fluff.

Dating Terms. A blog response.

Recently I read a blog post from another blogger that one of my Facebook friends had shared, and it was about dating terms and how they’d changed since the writer had gotten married, he called it a “hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene”. I’m not sure how long he’d been married but he made it seem like it had been at least a little while. He assumed these terms are used due to fear of commitment, and with continuing and increasing reliance social media and technology, of course dating terms have changed. So I am going to venture a try at clarifying some of the terms he mentioned.

The two new terms he used were “hungout/ hanging out” and “talking/texting”, but he also went into the older term of “courting”. So I will explain what he couldn’t

Let’s start with “talking/texting”, now I know these things are not unique to this situation and therein lies the source of confusion. You talk and text with people that you’re not romantically linked to, or wish to be. You also can do this before you find yourself romantically linked to them.

 So how do you differentiate texting with a friend and texting with romantic interest?

Well it’s simple, two words, “Romantic Intent”, now what this means is that your intentions are to potentially lead that conversation either verbal or electronic in a romantic direction. Now this isn’t to be confused with flirting, because even though flirting is a part of this not all of flirting has the Romantic Intent that this form of “talking/texting” does. Some people are naturally flirty, some people oblivious to their own flirting, and Romantic Intent is a conscious thing, that’s because romance it’s self is a conscious thing elsewise it is a subconscious, animal, basic instinct.

Now on to “hung/hanging out” and once again these are words that do not necessarily have a romantic connotation to quote the original blogger whom I am responding to “Hanging out is how we describe what we do with our buddies”, and even in my further explanation it is not necessarily “romantic” but it is also not in the common definition of the words. This is because “hung/hanging out” could potentially mean one of two things; One being pre-dating(romantic) and two being a physical thing (could be romantic, but not always). I will talk about them in that order. Pre-dating is as it seems to, literally before dating, and “talking/texting” is a big part of this. Conversational chemistry is only one part of what is necessary for the romantic relationship known as dating. Now this might need a little more clarification; once again there is “Romantic Intent” but there is a greater proximity aspect to this but not a physicality to it. I know that this still sounds like dating except with no physical aspect but this comprises of non-dating activities. So I’m talking about things like quick coffees, grocery shopping, exercising, short walks, even a movie under the right circumstances but there’s no holding hands, kissing, or cuddling(things that buddies do), but maybe a hug once and again depending on circumstance. Now these are not requirements, because at this point what is between the two people involved are still in an essentially undefined state. Then there’s the other definition where “hanging out” is a euphemism for having sex, and this one doesn’t necessarily have to have any trace of romantic intent, this could include friends with benefits, “fun” buddies, random hookups, pretty much any opportunity where sex is being had could be described as hanging out. I am pretty sure that was the assumption that was made in his blog post. And he made it seem like that was the only option where it could very well be an option but not the only one. This related to him complaining about hooking up, he didn’t bash it directly but he did call it “teenage” and used the phrase “vague, timid, code words of high school freshmen”, also describing it as “embarrassing. Almost as if you weren’t in any sort of a committed relationship you’re doing it wrong. And with that I believe that there’s an implied aspect of quote unquote slut shaming there.

There were other things in this post that I had issues with beyond his lack of knowledge on evolving language that I had issues with. For one he appeared to put the onus of blame on only men for this. Especially since it is not always men who are unclear with their intentions or desire for casuality in relationship. And in relationship to that he compared a casuality or lack of definition in relationships to an inherit immaturity in men, and it being a result of fear.

Post Script: I am realizing how much I think about love and relationships, or at least how much it appears that I do. When in reality most of these posts are just me figuring or at least trying to figure things out. This post should have been up sooner, considering when I had read the original post, it was all in my head and I had just needed the time to get it all out.

Nostalgically Romantic

So I thought of this concept earlier last week when something happened. I saw someone on last Wednesday that I haven't see in many years, and she got me thinking. Of course it was a woman who got me thinking, but this one is a little special, and not because anything special happened between us, but because she was my first... non-celebrity crush.

Now I could go on about her, and I will a little because it will help me make my future point. She was one of the popular girls, I was the bullied kid, but she was really nice to me. I thought she was cute, and still is. Her and her family just like mine weren't the richest or most privileged, she was also for a while there the girl next door well across the street, well it wasn't really a street she lived across from me in this low income housing complex. (Yes, I do know how cliché I that was; I don't apologize for being young).

Okay, back to my original concept of being nostalgically romantic, or nostalgically attracted to someone. But actually it is quite simple. Nostalgia: pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again. And so seeing someone you were once romantically interested after a period of time, it will occasionally stir something inside you that can make you think once again that you should possibly date them. I mean this is the same concept behind people getting back with their previously dumped romantic partners, or at least one of the things behind it. I mean getting back together with a previously dumped romantic partner usually doesn't end well unless there has been a complete shift in one or both of the people involved. You did break up for a reason so unless that reason changed DON'T, especially if that reason was cheating. But if these feelings are not acted upon or assumed unrequited, then as long as the two people are single I don't see why it isn't possible for them to act on say a high school crush, years after high school has ended (or in my case an elementary/primary school crush many years after elementary school has ended). I mean you also have to consider that if you are not currently in a romantic partnership, haven't had a potential romantic partnership in a while, or even are unhappy in your current romantic partnership, what you're feeling isn't actually real and what you're just feeling what you once had because you miss it. I'm not sure if I've said this here before but being in a romantic partnership for the sake of being in a romantic partnership is not a good idea, there should always be an end game in sight. Unless of course it is just a physical thing then it is not a romantic partnership, it is a physical relationship. 

It is possible that this is in some way related to "The one that got away," though I've always seen that as being someone you've previously been involved with in some way and it was the opposing partner had ended it where you didn't want it to end. And I know I am repeating myself, but unless there has been some sort of change in either yourself or you previously dumped romantic partner, don't just DON'T get back together with them. Also there are the people who think "The one that got away" is that one person you wanted to but didn't "score" with, which is ridiculous. Like there's a list of people you "need" to sleep with to feel whole or something, it is okay to only have ever slept with one person, or no people, or one hundred people. 

Post Script: It's pretty bad, I haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. It's pretty bad, I really need to get myself a crush.

Five Thousand Three Hundred and Thirty Three characters. (Blog Of Love.)

In the spring of my eighteenth year I had this fascination with trying to analyze and explain love. Though in all honesty it was more for the purpose of convincing myself that love is not all bad and is something that I want and deserve. Now the love I am talking about is people love, the love either between two people, or the love one person has for another not the kind of love someone has for say their favourite food. From there I catagorised love in three different ways: Social, Familial, and Romantic.

Social love is the kind of love you have in association to social relationships “friendships”. The love shared between close friends, the friends that you can tell anything to, rely and depend on, the friends that you are not afraid to be yourself around because that’s what they expect of you. Familiar love is that which pertains to family. It is almost semi-obligatory sort of love, because no matter how mad they make you, or even if you claim to hate them, you still even if it is only subconsciously you always love your family. Now I should clarify or add that this is within reason I am not saying that every family has love in it, also I should mention that family transcends blood because there’s more to being family than sharing blood. Finally, romantic love, now I don’t mean the overly media saturated physical “love”. This is one of the problems in today’s society, love is an overused word also often misused meant to either receive physical gain or as some sort of manipulation tool. The media also has transformed romantic love into something that is needed to be happy, where as you don’t, you can easily be happy without being in a romantic relationship. But romantic love is just more than the love of friends, more than the obligatory love of family, because romantic love is not obligatory or compulsory it is a very natural and involuntary action. To paraphrase John Green “falling in love is like falling asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

Now let’s talk about falling in romantic love, to be precise the physical effects and sometimes dependency in relation to falling in love. The results could end up being an addictive substance, not by any means comparable to caffeine, tobacco, controlled and illegal substances or alcohol (Yes, I do consider alcohol to be an addictive substance). Basically it is in the same category as any substance that has an effect on one’s neurochemistry. When it comes to falling in love it is the addiction to a combination of three specific chemicals that effect neurochemistry.

-Phenyl ethylamine: speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells.

-Dopamine: feel good chemical.

-Norepinephrine: stimulates adrenaline production, makes heart race faster.

This blend of these chemicals is what is known commonly as the “falling in love” stage of romantic relationships. The stimulation of that chemical combination can actually override the part of the brain that controls logical thinking. I have an issue with the addiction to this chemical concoction, and how this makes people almost dependent on being involved in romantic relationships to make themselves happy, and as a result when they aren’t in a romantic relationship they lose their sense of “self”, all they want is to be in a relationship and there can be no substitute for them having that feeling. These people hop easily from one relationship to another only ever getting through this first stage of a relationship. This helps promote the societal view that to be happy you need to be in a romantic relationship, which is completely false. The possible results of this are that they much like any other addict want more and then once it reaches the point in which the feelings change and the “high” wears off they believe that they have “fallen out of love” or they go the other way and they continue on with it, allowing the relationship to progress past the initial stage. But this could result in the relationship being either co-dependent or one member being heavily emotionally dependent on the other, whereas in a healthy relationship should be neither, but they should be independent partners.

Now, that could have seemed very negative and I have yet to discuss the power that love holds. If there is no power in love then it would not have anywhere near the same effect on us that it does. But perhaps the power love has is all due to us giving it that power. When you think about it, love can give you strength to do many things; inversely love can break a person beyond repair, and then turn around and fix it all. “Because when you love someone there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.” This quote from the TV show Kyle XY implies that there is some hidden power in love. This further explains how much power love holds, this shows that love has the power to make mountains crumble. Now, let us look at the saying “Time heals all wounds,” now in many ways this could very well be true but as I see it this does not apply to “firsts” (To be clear, firsts, first person you’re in love with, first person to break your heart, and first person you sleep with).  This is or course within reason but, you don’t generally forget your “firsts” because they are the ones who set down the initial framework for the future. Forgetting and/or getting over your “firsts” is one of the hardest things a person can go through in the scope of romantic relationships, and yet what is implied is that what it takes for this to happen is time. Now how I see it is not time that helps get you over your “firsts” but what really helps if finding that one person. But I want to be clear that finding that person should not be your driving force or ultimate priority. Because even though I said that finding that one person will help you finally get over your “firsts”, friends will help greatly and being with your friends a whole lot easier than finding a new person to be in a romantic relationship with.

The questions of love.

Is love for me? Can I even be in love? Or will I just hurt them as they try to love me? Is this what I want? Do I really want to open myself up for pain, depression, anger or sadness all in hopes that it turns out differently.

The decision to choose to love or allow yourself to be loved belongs to each person.

Post Script: Love is a natural force much like gravity, we as people cannot limit it. We should strive to let love flow, not try to control it, but adequately navigate it. As if we were a leaf in the wind getting.