An open letter to people on dating sites.

So here I am at it again, writing about dating and I know I do this far too often, but this is different.

All dating sites are fundamentally flawed; well I can't say all exactly, but all the ones I've been on, which is a lot of them at least the free ones anyway. But I'm pretty sure the rest of them are just as flawed.

This isn't about the dating sites themselves but the people on them. Generally. This is for the people who just do the minimums on the dating sites. Those who only maybe upload a photo followed by the two words "ask me" or some variation of that. Do you know what you're doing by this? You are asking people to be vain, to judge you by your appearance. Essentially what you're doing is saying "if you think I'm hot hit me up." And as much as I do believe that yes dating sites are an exercise in vanity, there are those who use them with the true intent of finding someone special. I'm not saying that physical attraction is unimportant, but it is not the most important thing. What about similar common interests? What are you going to do if you have nothing in common? Okay, so think about this is: A profile with only visuals, and very little personal information, it sounds a bit more like they're looking for a hookup rather than dating. And there's nothing wrong with it if that is what you are looking for, but don't be ashamed about it. Don't hide behind a pretense of looking for "dating" or a "long term relationship" when what you're really looking for is a "casual encounter," "short term dating," or less subtly casual sex. Don't lie about it, it just irritates the rest of us that are actually looking for something real, or long term, something more than just physical.

But let's also talk about the photos that some people use on dating websites. And no, I'm not talking about the subject matter of the photos in general. I am of the belief that selfies are a wonderful thing, so yes; take pictures of yourself frequently and proudly. And of course use these selfies on dating websites. But take good photos, I'm talking adequate lighting, not overly grainy, and have your face in full view. Also a couple things that I have found to be a bit of an issue with dating site selfies, and these are actually to do with subject matter and thus are a bit more controversial. So here they are, ladies: I'm not saying all of you do this but certainly some do, and this photographic faux-pas is as I put it "more boob than face". Which is exactly as it sounds, more boobs than face, though yes boobs are nice and are certainly a way to attract a guy, but once again potentially for all the wrong reasons (if that's not what you're looking for). And guys I half assumed this was a high school habit and that I wouldn't actually have to mention it but keep your shirts on in pictures. Just because you can go shirtless in public or in photos online it doesn't mean that you have to. And for pictures that are not of yourself, though yes perfectly fine to be included on dating sites, if they are the only pictures though that can be a bit of an issue. As nice as it is to see your pets, vehicle, photography skills or any other possible thing, having a picture of yourself is kind of essential. Even if this photo is private and you only choose to share it after a bit of conversing, having a photo is essential.

So in conclusion put information into your profile, be honest and clear about your intentions, and include a decent photo. There are many other problems with dating sites that I did not bring up, but hopefully these will help ameliorate your experience on them. I mean this is of course in a perfect world, but we live in a flawed world and we are all flawed people. And with that I will bring back a quote which I used in a previous post. previous post. "It’s complicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’s too simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, you don’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe's in What If.


Post Script: I've been writing but not the things that I can post here. I've rewritten my dating profile twice. But I have been working on post-able items as well. Spring upon us, then summer and travel is something that I will do during this time. The thing about travel and vacationing though is that it allows for free time and free time means writing time, that or photography time.

Dating Terms. A blog response.

Recently I read a blog post from another blogger that one of my Facebook friends had shared, and it was about dating terms and how they’d changed since the writer had gotten married, he called it a “hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene”. I’m not sure how long he’d been married but he made it seem like it had been at least a little while. He assumed these terms are used due to fear of commitment, and with continuing and increasing reliance social media and technology, of course dating terms have changed. So I am going to venture a try at clarifying some of the terms he mentioned.

The two new terms he used were “hungout/ hanging out” and “talking/texting”, but he also went into the older term of “courting”. So I will explain what he couldn’t

Let’s start with “talking/texting”, now I know these things are not unique to this situation and therein lies the source of confusion. You talk and text with people that you’re not romantically linked to, or wish to be. You also can do this before you find yourself romantically linked to them.

 So how do you differentiate texting with a friend and texting with romantic interest?

Well it’s simple, two words, “Romantic Intent”, now what this means is that your intentions are to potentially lead that conversation either verbal or electronic in a romantic direction. Now this isn’t to be confused with flirting, because even though flirting is a part of this not all of flirting has the Romantic Intent that this form of “talking/texting” does. Some people are naturally flirty, some people oblivious to their own flirting, and Romantic Intent is a conscious thing, that’s because romance it’s self is a conscious thing elsewise it is a subconscious, animal, basic instinct.

Now on to “hung/hanging out” and once again these are words that do not necessarily have a romantic connotation to quote the original blogger whom I am responding to “Hanging out is how we describe what we do with our buddies”, and even in my further explanation it is not necessarily “romantic” but it is also not in the common definition of the words. This is because “hung/hanging out” could potentially mean one of two things; One being pre-dating(romantic) and two being a physical thing (could be romantic, but not always). I will talk about them in that order. Pre-dating is as it seems to, literally before dating, and “talking/texting” is a big part of this. Conversational chemistry is only one part of what is necessary for the romantic relationship known as dating. Now this might need a little more clarification; once again there is “Romantic Intent” but there is a greater proximity aspect to this but not a physicality to it. I know that this still sounds like dating except with no physical aspect but this comprises of non-dating activities. So I’m talking about things like quick coffees, grocery shopping, exercising, short walks, even a movie under the right circumstances but there’s no holding hands, kissing, or cuddling(things that buddies do), but maybe a hug once and again depending on circumstance. Now these are not requirements, because at this point what is between the two people involved are still in an essentially undefined state. Then there’s the other definition where “hanging out” is a euphemism for having sex, and this one doesn’t necessarily have to have any trace of romantic intent, this could include friends with benefits, “fun” buddies, random hookups, pretty much any opportunity where sex is being had could be described as hanging out. I am pretty sure that was the assumption that was made in his blog post. And he made it seem like that was the only option where it could very well be an option but not the only one. This related to him complaining about hooking up, he didn’t bash it directly but he did call it “teenage” and used the phrase “vague, timid, code words of high school freshmen”, also describing it as “embarrassing. Almost as if you weren’t in any sort of a committed relationship you’re doing it wrong. And with that I believe that there’s an implied aspect of quote unquote slut shaming there.

There were other things in this post that I had issues with beyond his lack of knowledge on evolving language that I had issues with. For one he appeared to put the onus of blame on only men for this. Especially since it is not always men who are unclear with their intentions or desire for casuality in relationship. And in relationship to that he compared a casuality or lack of definition in relationships to an inherit immaturity in men, and it being a result of fear.

Post Script: I am realizing how much I think about love and relationships, or at least how much it appears that I do. When in reality most of these posts are just me figuring or at least trying to figure things out. This post should have been up sooner, considering when I had read the original post, it was all in my head and I had just needed the time to get it all out.

Sluts, Skanks, and Whores.

Sluts, skanks, and whores. Let’s talk about that. It is very obvious for those living in common place North America that these are not nice words, and yet we still use them. The thing that all three of them have in common is that they are used to villainies primarily females for having sex. And I think that is the purpose of these words, but I believe that the use of these words has become far too common.

So what I want to do is help clarify the appropriate times to use the words, to be clear none of this is meant as slut shaming that is not my intention and this is based wholly on my own opinion. If I offend you, I am sorry. As I mentioned earlier, these are not nice words but they are also angry words, and it does not matter what tone the person who is speaking these words uses they will not be anything but angry words, whose purpose is very clearly not kindness. Give it a try and see if someone will feel something besides anger when you use these words directed towards them.

Okay now let’s get started with common dictionary definitions.

• Slut: “a promiscuous woman.” Derogatory.
• Skank: “a person, esp. a woman regarded as unattractive, sleazy, or immoral.” Slang.
• Whore: “a promiscuous woman.” Derogatory.

Needless to say these all reflect poorly on females who enjoy and have sex. And so I’d like to redefine these words so that they do not villainies woman for liking sex. And here are my definitions.

• Slut: “a man or woman who participates in a multitude of sexual acts with a multitude of partners without any sort of regard for any of the other parties involved.” Derogatory.
• Skank: “a man or woman who participates in sexual infidelity knowing that it is infidelity.” Derogatory.
• Whore: “a man or a woman who uses sex as a form of manipulation to further ones goals, and or personal gain without any sort of regard for any of the other parties involved.” Derogatory.

So my definitions might all be about sex and they do slightly villainize it, but you also have to notice that I did not go for gender specifics, and all include villainizable circumstances surrounding sex and not sex itself. To mention it again these words are only to be used strictly in anger. But not only in anger, but I do believe that there should be justified cause and recognizable proof before using these words. But since swearing is not something you do with intense forethought only justified cause is okay.

What this really is showing is the misuse of words. Considering the power language holds in today’s society it is good to learn to use it properly.

Post Script: What are some words that you think redefining?