An open letter to people on dating sites.

So here I am at it again, writing about dating and I know I do this far too often, but this is different.

All dating sites are fundamentally flawed; well I can't say all exactly, but all the ones I've been on, which is a lot of them at least the free ones anyway. But I'm pretty sure the rest of them are just as flawed.

This isn't about the dating sites themselves but the people on them. Generally. This is for the people who just do the minimums on the dating sites. Those who only maybe upload a photo followed by the two words "ask me" or some variation of that. Do you know what you're doing by this? You are asking people to be vain, to judge you by your appearance. Essentially what you're doing is saying "if you think I'm hot hit me up." And as much as I do believe that yes dating sites are an exercise in vanity, there are those who use them with the true intent of finding someone special. I'm not saying that physical attraction is unimportant, but it is not the most important thing. What about similar common interests? What are you going to do if you have nothing in common? Okay, so think about this is: A profile with only visuals, and very little personal information, it sounds a bit more like they're looking for a hookup rather than dating. And there's nothing wrong with it if that is what you are looking for, but don't be ashamed about it. Don't hide behind a pretense of looking for "dating" or a "long term relationship" when what you're really looking for is a "casual encounter," "short term dating," or less subtly casual sex. Don't lie about it, it just irritates the rest of us that are actually looking for something real, or long term, something more than just physical.

But let's also talk about the photos that some people use on dating websites. And no, I'm not talking about the subject matter of the photos in general. I am of the belief that selfies are a wonderful thing, so yes; take pictures of yourself frequently and proudly. And of course use these selfies on dating websites. But take good photos, I'm talking adequate lighting, not overly grainy, and have your face in full view. Also a couple things that I have found to be a bit of an issue with dating site selfies, and these are actually to do with subject matter and thus are a bit more controversial. So here they are, ladies: I'm not saying all of you do this but certainly some do, and this photographic faux-pas is as I put it "more boob than face". Which is exactly as it sounds, more boobs than face, though yes boobs are nice and are certainly a way to attract a guy, but once again potentially for all the wrong reasons (if that's not what you're looking for). And guys I half assumed this was a high school habit and that I wouldn't actually have to mention it but keep your shirts on in pictures. Just because you can go shirtless in public or in photos online it doesn't mean that you have to. And for pictures that are not of yourself, though yes perfectly fine to be included on dating sites, if they are the only pictures though that can be a bit of an issue. As nice as it is to see your pets, vehicle, photography skills or any other possible thing, having a picture of yourself is kind of essential. Even if this photo is private and you only choose to share it after a bit of conversing, having a photo is essential.

So in conclusion put information into your profile, be honest and clear about your intentions, and include a decent photo. There are many other problems with dating sites that I did not bring up, but hopefully these will help ameliorate your experience on them. I mean this is of course in a perfect world, but we live in a flawed world and we are all flawed people. And with that I will bring back a quote which I used in a previous post. previous post. "It’s complicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’s too simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, you don’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe's in What If.


Post Script: I've been writing but not the things that I can post here. I've rewritten my dating profile twice. But I have been working on post-able items as well. Spring upon us, then summer and travel is something that I will do during this time. The thing about travel and vacationing though is that it allows for free time and free time means writing time, that or photography time.

An argument for dating your friends.

I know using the term dating has many romantic connotations attached to it, and that makes sense because it is a primarily romantic term. In saying that this will be divided into two parts. Romantically dating your friends and platonically dating them.

Unlike similar thing I have written here I will not be including definitions and that's because defining dating is hard enough as it is, and doing it in a way that is not exclusively romantic is even more difficult. Even though I do think that these are both important things I will be starting with romantically, because platonically isn't as commonly thought about and will be a nice idea to think about at the end.
(For clarification purposes romantically dating your friends will be henceforth be known as dating your friend and it's platonic counterpart will be referred to as going on dates with your friends. Also these distinctions will becom clearer the longer you read.)

So dating your friends is definitely a risky maneuver, and that is the reason it is not done more often. But with any relationship worth having there's risk. And with this one there's the risk that if you do end up breaking up, which is always a possibility. Will you still be friends? Will your common friends be put in a situation where they have to choose sides? But I mean if you are considering starting a romantic relationship with a friend it should be a well thought out decision, not just a snap judgement, and therefore should be taken seriously. Because if we're being honest, if you're in a place with a friend where you both think that dating is a good idea, you are probably mature enough to continue your friendship if it doesn't work out with minimal whiplash circumstances pending of course. You might now be asking yourself but why risk dating your friends when you could just find someone exclusively for dating. Well that's easy, because dating someone you don't know is hard. Why bother going out and meeting someone just to date when you've got friends. They already know you, they know your quirks and faults, your strengths and history. They already know you, and you know them. You don't have to go through the whole awkward getting to know each other phase. You've already spent time together and don't have to worry about how to act around them because they already know if you're acting fake or not and will hopefully call you out on it. By dating your friend you two can be very much yourselves so much faster and avoid a lot of the awkwardness surrounding dating. When you think about it, if they aren't willing to be your friend why are you actually dating them in the first place. (Those people who say that they don't want to be friends they just want to be more, aren't really worth being either. True friends shouldn't give all or nothing ultimatums. That's just a douche move.) Well unless you are dating just for the sake of dating and not for the purpose of building your relationship towards a lifelong partnership. After all, if you really think about it, why would you actually date someone who wasn't your friend. There is a reason that they're called girlfriends or boyfriends. As I see it, there really is no better choice when wanting to date someone than choosing a friend to date.

On to going on dates with your friends. A very different concept than the one stated above, but much easier to grasp. So we all have friends, or at least I hope we all have friends. I know hanging out with friends is fun, and the feeling that they give you is great, ans one of the best things about friends is that you have someone to talk to. But sometimes you take your friends for granted, and though not necessarily intentional it is truly disappointing when it happens. (This is why I wanted the distinction between dating your friends and going on dates with your friends.) So you know the "getting to know you things" I mentioned that you don't really have to worry about by dating your friends. It is truly one of the big advantages of going on dates with your friends, except once again not as awkward. Because of course assuming that you're already passed the lowest level of friendship you should always be trying to get to know your friends better. You know what else is a good idea for building and strengthening friendships, spending one on one time with them. And really should be making a big deal out of this they are your friend after all. You should be getting all dressed up and going out to a proper sit down meal with your friends, you should be grabbing a coffee and going for a conversation filled walk with them.
Spending one on one time together, talking, and learning more about each other. Growing your relationship, because friendship is a type of relationship after all. You know what all that sounds like to me: Dates. As I mentioned before, you need to go on dates with your friends, literally. This is of course because though romantic relationships are fun and can be quite enjoyable, it really is your friendships that truly matter. (Despite how little I have written about the subject of friendships so far.)

So now I've told you why you should date your friends and why you should go on dates with your friends. Sorry if this seems weird and confusing, but honestly romantic dating is weird and confusing hopefully thus helps make it easier.

Post Script: Date your friends also, date your friends. A day later than the rest isn't too bad considering I wrote this in two days so that I could keep up my posting streak. It's three weeks in a row now. I'm feeling proud of myself. Also I'm not out of ideas or in a funk yet so that's nice.

Love, Lust, and Infatuation: and being able to identify them in yourself.

Preface: As you might be able to tell, there are certain things that I choose to write about more than others. And despite the lack of it in my life, romantic love is one of those things I quite enjoy thinking and writing about.

With it being so close to Valentine’s Day I thought this would be an excellent time for this post. Because, really if not now than when really? Well really whenever because Valentine’s Day is a crap day to celebrate, to quote John Green “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’redoing it wrong.”

So let’s get on to it already.

As usual when I compare things let us start with definitions both current and past. Love as I have discussed before, is not the easiest thing to pinned down but, for this purpose let’s focus on romantic love. And the top dictionary entry for love is “an intense feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking.” And originally it was derived from words meaning “desires”, or “it is pleasing”. But as we know Romantic Love is not a simple thing. These definitions leave a lot to be desired, they don’t explain how Romantic Love is not easy, and how “falling in love” is a myth because you don’t fall in love. Falling is easy, but love is not. Or how Romantic Love is a two way street, and that it takes two people for love, two people who are working equally for love to be. I should be clear about what I’m saying when I say work, I don’t mean some dead end minimum wage job that you hate, I mean it should feel like your dream job: fun, love doing it, not always easy but you learn from it, and it is something that you’re passionate about. If you feel all of the above about your relationship, it’s love plain and simple. And I will finish this with a quote "It’scomplicated. All this love shit’s complicated. And that’s good. Because if it’stoo simple, you’ve got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try, youdon’t."- Adam Driver’s character to Daniel Radcliffe in What If.

Now on to Lust, and unlike love, lust is easy and simple. Lust is a base animal instinct. The definitions; currently lust is a strong sexual desire, whereas originally lust was desire, appetite, pleasure; sensuous appetite. (But do I really have to deeply explain lust? It’s not a hard concept to grasp. Tee Hee… hard. I know, I’m so mature). Pure and simple lust is solely sexual attraction. It is exclusively a physical feeling, and often a temporary one that can just as easily pass from one person you see on to the next. It can be a very fleeting feeling, and the smallest of things can make it disappear completely or even enflame it and make it burn even brighter. I am not trying to say that lust is a bad thing, but I mean lust by itself can be very much an empty thing, but also can be a very addicting thing. Lust combined with infatuation can be very potentially useful in leading to love. Lust as said in less simple terms is the wanting or desire to have sex with a specific person. Now I can’t say that list is absolutely necessary for good relationships, because of course then I would alienate any asexuals, that’s something I would not want to do. But lust is a human thing and what we choose to do with it tell us a lot about ourselves.

Okay, infatuation now. This is the fun one, well kind of, I like it. So the dictionary says infatuation is to be affected by an intense fondness or admiration, but originally it was closer related to a variation of foolishness, to be more precise inspire in someone a foolish romantic passion. Now I know what you might be thinking, that this dictionary definition sounds incredibly close to that one I attributed to love. But that’s wrong, because of course infatuation isn’t love, it is very much from love. Well, very is a bit of a stretch, but back on topic. Another way to put it that is easier to understand or convey, an infatuation is a crush. Simple enough concept to grasp, and unlike love, a crush is something what you can fall into. They are easy, sometimes uncontrollable, and can happen in a split second (not necessarily a literal split second). Now I know what you’re thinking, but aren’t you supposed to crush on the one you love, and you’re absolutely right. But the thing about crushes is that they can very much be one sided, you can have a crush on someone and them not return those feelings. There’s also the unknowingness of a crush because of course logic dictates that if you have a crush on someone and they also have one on you as well you both know about set crushes that something will happen between you two (in a perfect world that is). But then you also have to take into account that you can a) have multiple crushes at a time, and b) the crush lives on an intensity spectrum and if you imagine the spectrum as a wave the crush surfs it quite regularly. Now, ideally you’d want to match your crush’s’ position on the spectrum, and along with your partner grow its intensity to the point where it becomes love. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out and heartbreak occurs. Yes, heartbreak isn’t exclusively related to love, it very much can happen with infatuation but with smaller impact, you know, less lives ruined and blood shed spanning years andcontinents.

There it is, Love, Lust, and Infatuation. Because if we didn’t have important words for things where would we be.  It also certainly helps knowing when the right opportunity to use these words is, and this is of course because the words we choose to use say a lot about who we are. Now normally I wouldn’t choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day because it is a pointless tradition, but it does make people happy, and I’m not one to squash other people’s happiness. But as I quoted in the beginning, “If you need to be reminded to like your romantic partner, you’re doing it wrong.”

Post Script: You see that, two weeks in a row, now isn’t that just something. If I can just have the time to finish the rest of the half-finished ones I’ve started because I don’t really want to post just fluff.

Funk, no not the music.

“There are two kinds of people in the world, birthday people and not birthday people. Not birthday people don’t make a big deal out of their birthdays, after all it’s not about an accomplishment. Birthday people are the exact opposite.” – Emily Owens M.D.

I have been both a birthday person and not one. But recently this day has not been my favourite day, which I have come to believe it a little odd-ish for someone of my age, and it actually has been like that for the past couple birthdays. I’m thinking that the early onset of this day is regret and looking back at how little I feel like I’ve accomplished.

I know 25 isn’t that old in the grand scheme of things but as the day draws closer I can’t help but think about it. And in all honesty it’s not even about my birthday, not exactly anyways.It’s just that I’m seeing all these people my age starting their own families then there’s me, I don’t know how to meet women let alone have any hint at if they would even be interested in me romantically. It’s not even that I think I’m ready to start my own family it’s that I’m not even close, I have not romantic prospects, absolutely none. And I think it’s just as hard that I don’t even have a simple crush, besides nostalgically or on a celebrity in years.

Above in italics is a perfect example of why I don’t post nearly as often as I would like to. Sometimes my writing gets away from me, now usually this isn’t a problem because I end up on interesting tangents but sometimes I find myself in a bit of a funk and my writing ends up being whiney, complain-y, and all woe is me. Truly, that is not at all what I am wanting to post on here so it frustrates me to no end when that’s all that my writing ends up producing.

Now normally I don’t let it get that far and just choose to close my notebook and give it time. I’ve also let myself write dark to get it out, but more often it’s just small bursts like this. But I think that’s how it is with everyone you want all the good and none of the bad. But I mean sometimes you need the bad to just show you how good it is when it is good.

So when you find yourself in a funk whether it writing or whatever I’ve found that there are usually two ways of dealing with it. First being to push through it; break through the wall that is funk with perseverance. Second is to give it time, in the same way that “Time heals all wounds” time tends to break funk down. But they both have their own advantages and disadvantages, it’s different for each person, and it’s even different for each situation. For me, as may seem obvious I tend to lean towards the give it time option, hence the breaks between posts. But then I don’t really try to push through, but that’s because when things get frustrating I just tend to switch to a different project.

With that I do thank those of you who regularly check this blog for updates, and those of you who read when I do post

Post Script: Happy New Years, plus one month. This winter has been weird, as I am finishing this it is the 1^st of Feb and as of so far there hasn’t been snow. And I live in Canada. It’s weird.

Five by five.

It’s easy for me to share my opinions on a wide variety of topics including life, love, and body modification, but when it comes to talking about myself, my feelings and you know me in general I tend to struggle. And currently little by little I am trying to push myself, so I am going to try and write about myself, well, okay I am going to give you my annual list of things about myself. And since it is my 25^th here are 5 sets of five things about me.

1. I struggle with knowing when the right opportunity to act is.

2. I struggle with talking to new people. Especially girls.

3. I struggle with meeting people and large crowds.

4. I struggle with reading subtext and body language.

5. I struggle with me.

6. One of my strengths is making jokes even if I’m the only one who gets them.

7. One of my strengths is that I’m loyal and don’t like to let people go.

8. One of my strengths is that I am a good listener.

9. One of my strengths is that I am very good at keeping secrets.

10. One of my strengths is that I am a good photographer.

11. I habitually make references to things a lot of people around me don’t understand, but it doesn’t discourage me.

12. I habitually say exactly the wrong things and exactly the wrong times.

13. I habitually run away as a means of escaping.

14. I habitually spend my free time alone not doing what I mean to do.

15. I habitually jokingly tease people I like, less so if romantic interest is involved.

16. I am turned on by passion.

17. I am turned on by blue eyes.

18. I am turned on by nerdy obsessions, habits, and or hobbies.

19. I am turned on by Intelligence.

20. I am turned on by Independence.

21. I am turned off by smoking.

22. I am turned off by known ignorance.

23. I am turned off by closed mindedness.

24. I am turned off by doormats.

25. I am turned off by futility and monotony.

Post Script: I wrote this in one draft for once which is odd for anything I post; I was sitting in Starbucks being far too nervous to talk to the cute girl sitting beside me. Which could easily have had some impact on this post. Also I may end up posting a second thing later on.